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FANTASY MOVES

Ok It’s Thursday. The NFL season starts tonight and I’m hosting a comedy show at Fody’s in Nashua, NH. So at 7:30pm set your DVR and then come to Nashua, NH.

On to some roster moves! I moved LeGarrette Blount to starting RB. Because I liked him with the Patriots. Only 2% of other Fantasy owners are doing that but you know what? Let them! There’s a guy with very little fantasy knowledge trying to run a team, here!

I made Antonio Gates a starting TE over Jordan Reed (who was probable) because the fantasy guy said ‘4 catches, 40 yards’ and that doesn’t sound that great. And also they’re playing the Texans who will spit tobbacco in you face and knock you over a bail of hay then make you say uncle. Right? I mean their defense was good last year and I think that’s what good defenses do, they country-bully.

I moved Sammy Watkins to starting WR and benched Jeremy Maclin. The reason why is because “Sammy” is a cool name and “Maclin” has a hard “C” in the middle with NO K, and that’s NO (O)K with me!

I also benched Doug Martin at “other RB” in favor of CJ Spiller. I think most fantasy owners are scared off by the potential fumble tendencies of a guy whose last name is Spiller, but not me!

I stuck with Peyton Manning over Colin Kapernick to fill my role of starting QB with a recent Superbowl loss and I’m going with the defense of the St. Louis No Sams. I mean Rams, but they cut Michael Sam. So hence the joke? Is it a joke. This is all very serious. And Michael Sam just got signed by the Dallas Cowboys to be on their practice squad. That’s PRACTICE, not CHEERLEADING you redneck fucks! You homophobic pieces of shit! You made that joke in your head and you made me type it JUST TO REPRIMAND YOU.

I’m happy for Michael Sam that he found a job at the start of the NFL season, and I’m also happy that he probably won’t be on Monday Night Raw this week to tell his story. I hope they use that time for more BROOCKKKKKK LESNARRRRRRRRR (also cut from an NFL team so it’s only fitting)

Things about my team (that I auto drafted to an A- grade) that I won’t change this week: Damarius Thomas and DeSean Jackson are both starting. They are my “tag team champions” of the team because their first names are both cool and together they can probably do a sweet finishing move to any job guy punter that dares set foot in the squared rectangle with them.

And Adam Vinatieri is my kicker because he’s all I got. He did make me real happy and confused one fateful February day in 2001 when he kicked a game winning field goal to give the Patriots their first Superbowl victory. I tried to taper down how excited I was because I thought if I came across as too big a fan that the sex from my girlfriend would abruptly stop and her vagina would side with the St. Louis Rams.

OK stay tuned to the big wrap up show next Tuesday to find out how I did!

living in a fantasy world

Hello, dust covered tumblr. What could make me take an active role in this again? Why how about writing about something I dont know very much about, fantasy football! (i also don’t know much about regular football, either but I do like to watch it, especially in highlight form)

Last night I had my first draft, and auto drafted.

All i know about FF (besides how to abbreviate it) is you have to pick a dumb and offensive team name, so I am now the GM of “Love in an Elevator”

My first pick is wide receiver D. Thomas. I don’t know if he has a first name or just a letter, below him it says Peyton Manning and not P. Manning. I think he’s pretty good, i only watch the Superbowl for the commercials anyhow.

My draft evaluator says that I am pretty weak at running back. So it figures that I have Doug Martin and his little head shot looks like he’s a defenseman for the Calgary Flames.

There’s a lot of charts and shit that I dont’ understand, so imagine how compelling this is going to be in the coming weeks.

p.s. i’ll be at the Davis Square Theater tonight at 8pm for TEASEDAY CLUB. Burlesque and comedy!

Re-emergence

I remembered my password on the first try. tumblr will be dusted off soon. I wrote a long thing on my phone heading to an open mic. Not because I was particularly inspired, I just wanted to impress the people around me by looking text-y.


p.s. tonight I’m hosting the Naked Comedy Showcase at 9:30 at Improv Boston. There is nothing ‘clever’ about the name.

greatandsecretcomedyshow:

Hold on to your kids—it’s here!

Watch the first episode of the Walsh Bros’ Great & Secret Comedy Show, and get more from the Walsh Bros on FB & Twitter.

My annual self-indulgent movies of the year list! Now, more self-indulgent than ever!

logicgap:

image

This is my list of every film released in 2012 that I saw. 44 of them! I have no life! Those are the facts. They are in a semblance of order. Ask me tomorrow, and I may disagree with this list. Vehemently disagree, even.

But its in the wind now. There is no going back. Goodbye, sweet list, be strong.

I also wrote small caption reviews for each film. Most of these are pointless. Vague musing written months after I saw the films, grasping in the dark for any relevant thought. Some may actually find some real critical thought. Don’t get your hopes up.

To my mind, there’s only one glaring omission, a film that has been very hard to find. That film is called Holy Motors, and from what I’ve heard and read, it may have challenged for the top spot for me.

Selah.

So, yeah. My top 2 are unquestionably my top 2 films, though the order may shift by the minute. There’s a drop after that point. Is anyone reading this? No? Cool. That means I can say anything I want here and not get in trouble or judged. John Lackey is my favorite baseball player.

That felt good.

Read More

"More Leftovers"

Comedy Studio Diary Day 18
11/22/2012


I took advantage of the rare opportunity to sleep in on Thanksgiving Day.  I didn’t mean to but my body had other plans for me.  I woke up at the regular time I normally do (7am) and started to watch an episode of Dexter (season six) but kept falling asleep.  Bad acting and clunky dialogue cause drowsiness. I’ve been aware since the first season but the lead actor/story lines/obsessive compulsive nature of my completist brain keep me hanging on. The frequent nudity is a nice touch as well.  Even if sometimes it’s in an ‘inappropriate to enjoy nudity’ setting.

I eventually got through the episode at around noon.  I cleaned myself up a bit, talked to my roommates about their delicious vegan feast preparations and invited them to The Comedy Studio later.  I headed out to Medford to go to my Aunt and Uncle’s side to see my Mom’s half of the family for a little bit.  My cousin Mike picked me up at Oak Grove and I ate a lot of hummus and pita chips while seeing the relatives and my Mom’s two energetic pugs running around.  I didn’t stay too long, it was more of a subliminal appearance where I watched some of the Lions game before my Uncle Dougie dropped me off across town to see the other side of the family.  

For the first time since my childhood Thanksgiving was being had at my Uncle Brian’s house, where my Dad and his brothers and sister grew up.  I lived there for a few years on a whim.  I had just got into Emerson, and like most things relating to my academic career at the time, I didn’t do much planning so I started attending classes with no place to live.  I had planned to crash on couches until I figured it out and that soon grew old to my friends (of whom I had only a few who had the means/couch to help). My Dad suggested I ask his brother (and my Godfather) I did, with no real concrete plan for the future and he let me stay.  And keep staying. And stay a little longer after graduating, and cleaned up the random junk I left there to demonstrate That I can be a real inconsiderate person. I vividly remember being amazed by the big, vast house when I was young and always liked going there.  I knew I wanted to live there one day, too but I always thought that all my neighborhood friends would be there too and it would be a good place to lay low between making hit movies.
What a cruel twist of fate that I lived there alone, with no friends while trying to  learn how to possibly get into the movie industry.  

I made the rounds, saying hello to most people in my family, poked in to watch more of the Lions game (which refused to end but eventually did conclude with a Lions loss, so Thanksgiving was saved for everyone.) My cousin Dave is vegan and his Mom is a real good cook so I helped myself to a big plate of the eggplant lasagna she made.  

—————-

It is now Dec 7th. Back on the train again in the morning. The third Game of Thrones book has been VERY good and a more appealing option than playing ‘catch up’ with the blog and recapping more and more minutia.  I had no plans to abandon the rest of the month’s events but I wanted to focus on just living my life for the rest of it and not stress myself out with documenting all the details. Plus, dragons and battles and reading things in British accents in my head.

Thanksgiving continued with good food, catching up and kidding around with  my relatives and my Dad dropping me off at Sullivan station.  I went home to change and got a text that two of my roommates were planning on attending the show that night and that made me feel good.  Ryan hadn’t seen my act in a while and his girlfriend Thera not at all, so there was a little added pressure to get me going.  I got home and had someone with them and shared some funny stories of house related hi jinx over the years, our various fridges and some epic fuck ups of mine.  As I was retelling the tale of the time I brought the police into the house at 2am while I ran downstairs to get money today for a cab I couldn’t afford I realized that I was probably putting on a better show than I would later that night.

I also thought that I should tell that story on stage more.

I stowed my leftovers in the fridge, hung up my shirt and headed out to Harvard Sq.  The show was lightly attended but those who did turn up were a great crowd.  DJ Hazard hosted and did some admittedly weird shit, very rarely used the microphone and at one point broke the top of the stool off (and in half) while doing a deep sea diver act out/riff.  He gave me a very kind and complimentary introduction and I went up.  The first thing I mentioned was how DJ “destroyed.” (followed by a motion towards the stool) 

My set was fairly loose, I did some different material partially because it was Thanksgiving and also I wanted to do stuff that DJ hadn’t heard on Tuesday, Ryan hadn’t heard whenever he last saw me and a bit I hadn’t done in a while that was inspired by another roommate (but one I still think is good, of course. By no means was it an inside joke.  (Although it didn’t work as well as I would have liked so it may have had the same reaction as a joke nobody was in on.)

I watched the rest of the show and was glad to see Danny Kelly back on stage after a long absence.  He was the first headliner to do my podcast and a guy who has always been helpful to me.  He’s had some scary health issues in the last year so I’m glad he’s improving and back out again.  Rick Jenkins did a spot and spent most of the time telling an epic, hilarious story of a road trip to Vermont with DJ Hazard that will hopefully be retold on the live episode of WTF in Boston on February 8th.

Almost all the comics that ca,e to hang out got up to do spots and it was a good show and atmosphere to be at.  Of course because the bar didn’t make much money it is most likely the first and only Thanksgiving show at The Comedy Studio.  I’m thankful to have been a part of it.

(Freeze frame. Theme music plays. Credits roll.  ”Sit Boo-boo sit. Good Boy.”)

Holi-blur. (bet you thought It was gonna be Holi-something else)

Comedy Studio Diary Day 17


At the time of this writing it’s Monday Morning. I have a very long work ay ahead, a show in Gloucester at 9 and then back to work until the early hours and to sleep on the couch to get more caught up.  I’m already tired from staying up late to watch The Walking Dead and Boardwalk Empire (and then more of the Kevin Steen DVD to fall asleep.)

The day before Thanksgiving was fairly uneventful.  A small but happy crowd turned out to The Studio to either forgo or precede the usual loud crowded barroom traditions of the season.  Although that was the kind of crowd that I intended on doing my best (often referred to as ‘standard set’ in this blog) I wanted to do a different set, to feature the Spike’s joke and some newer stuff that I had written recently and had been working.  I changed my approach shortly before going on stage when Pete Holmes entered the room.  

For those of you who are not comics reading this, Pete Holmes is a young headlining comic originally from Lexington, MA who currently lives in California.  He’s done multiple late night appearances, had a half hour Comedy Central Presents, just taped his hour special and recently shot a pilot for a talk show. He also does a podcast called “You Made It Weird” released an album called “Impregnated with Wonder” and most likely has a Wikipedia page with all this info and more.  Most importantly he is also very, very funny.

I  had no reason to think that he would come by The Studio, but I know he did a spot the last time he was in town so I hoped that he would.  I don’t know why but I didn’t expect it to be so early in the show, but there he was. I got a little nervous, not unlike when all of the visiting comics last Thursday were around and I wanted to prove myself as a funny person, but with slightly more “at stake” in my head because I had no prior relationship/record as being funny or at least (“on my way” to being funny perhaps) so I wanted to make a good impression.  I also know from listening to his podcast that he doesn’t often watch other comedians and he was sitting down in the back.

Rick did more time while I fidgeted and pretty much brushed aside the alternate set I’d planned and talked myself into doing the standard set not just to make a good impression but also “for the small audience” in the room.  I went up and did my set, I got a very distinct laugh from him early in, but he moved into the green room/closet soon after since he was going next.  Getting that laugh and also not having him watch the rest made me feel loose and more comfortable and the rest of the set went like it should.  I am PRETTY SURE I got one more big laugh out of him as he listened from the closet BUT it could have just synced up perfectly with someone in there talking to him (but it was a good line, so…)

I had never seen him live before and it was a lot of fun to watch him riff with the crowd and on his few ideas he brought with him.  Gary Gulman showed up later and closed it out as only he can.  I hadn’t seen him in a while but he is one of my favorite comics to watch on stage, especially if I’m able to see multiple sets in a night or over the course of a few days.  The way that he writes and tweaks and ad libs lines to bits is a very interesting and engaging thing to witness.

I hung out at The Cellar for a while after the show and went home.

"Dr. Magogo’s Thanksgiving Spooktacular"*

Comedy Studio Diary Day 16
11/20/2012
*in lieu of my own snappy blog title, I thought the title given to The Mystery Lounge was sufficient.

It’s Sunday morning as I type this.  Still way behind. My orderly fashion of blogging has been torn asunder by minor fatigue, taking Thanksgiving and (most of the) weekend off from blogging (although I did go into work on Black Friday to organize that chaos and get make up the ours I missed on my dental adventures.) So all of these memories may be blurred together and glossed over.  

Starting with Tuesday.  I went directly to Harvard square and wandered around a bit for about two minutes then I got a text from Matt Watson asking if I’d want to meet at Dosa Factory in Central Square for Indian Food and to go over a couple of ideas.  I got on the T to save a little time (and sneak some reading in) and grabbed some mulligatawny (spell check out it that way but it doesn’t look right) soup and some vegetable pakoras while we plotted trying to put together a future event and him and his video colleague ran off some old ideas.  

I left myself enough time to walk back to Harvard and get to The Studio in time.  I was happy to see Steve Kradolfer on the show, he was on the lineup for next week which I was going to not be around for.  Rick had also let me know it was being hosted by Dr. Magogo, a morbid character created by Mike Bent and there were raffle drawings at the beginning of the show for a “real dead body” giveaway.  

There was a good crowd, filling all the seats and most of the bars tools and all drinking HEAVILY (lots more mid week scorpion bowls than I’m used to seeing) throughout.  I went up third after Steve and had a very good set.  I crossed my fake crowd work into reality when I riffed on a guy’s reaction to my opener and shut him down by saying that I looked like someone who interacted with the crowd and immediately regret it.  I had a loose fun set tied up with a miniature Wizard of Oz bit at the end done slightly different and more in the moment.  

Sasha told me afterwards that she thought it was maybe my breakthrough set of the month, which was nice.  I don’t know if I totally agree with it but it could have been.  I mixed elements of things I had only been doing separately and added more improv/confidence behind the delivery.  Plus did I mention the audience was REALLY drunk.  I did make sure to hand out flyers after the show for people to put their gum in.  There was one couple sitting p front who were sitting in those exact seas just two days before for my show on Sunday.  In my bit on television I mentioned that it probably felt like they were watching a rerun (for that bit, one of the only ones that I repeated from Sunday, which was in a way FOR them, and it gave me the challenge of doing different stuff.)

I walked back to Central to The Middle East Open Mic knowing full well that I was in danger of making the classic “not enjoying the feeling of having a great set long enough before entering into a soul crushing open mic” scenario.  John Paul Rivera was hosting solo, sans Rob Crean.  I watched a few comics and then caught up a bit with Sean Wilkinson who had just got back into town and guest hosted Roggies earlier that night.  I wrote up a set list since I wasn’t going up right away, of some old/new ideas to try to work on and develop/still get laughs from.  I did what I had planned (although I couldn’t read one of my scribbled titles) and finished with the Spikes story to get it under my belt a couple times before bringing it out of storage onto The Studio stage soon.  

I left at around midnight and went to sleep soon after.

Two stories square(d)

(Away from) Comedy Studio Diary Day 4)
11/19/2012

Last week’s dip into the world of storytelling had me seeking out some more opportunities.  I found out about The Moth at Oberon and bought a ticket minutes before it sold out.  I also heard that there would be a MassMouth event earlier in the evening right down the street in Harvard Square at Club Passim.  I decided to attempt to double up.  Both events were of the SLAM variety and a random drawing of names with ten storytellers total all speaking on a common theme.  I had never been to something like this and both were run the same way and it felt really awkward.  

Here’s how it works: Everyone that attends buys a ticket (The Moth was slightly cheaper but not by much, it was $8 with fees and Mass Mouth $11) and those who want to tell a story fill out a form and give their name to whoever is in charge.  That person then waits a while for the show to start, does some announcements and housekeeping and then draws the first name.  At Mass Mouth they had someone (in this case Abhishek Shah, a newer comic to the scene who has also taken to storytelling) be a “sacrifice storyteller” which is the standup comedy equivalent to someone taking the bullet in a contest just to get the crowd/judges ready. They didn’t have this at The Moth but the host was a local WMBR Radio personality who was funny and warmed everyone up sufficiently.  After each person they are graded numerically by judges and it’s posted on a white board.  I think this is the worst thing to do.  I’ve done and been to a couple of standup contests where feedback is given after and that is also horrible but something about it just being a number with no explanation may be worse. The performers are chosen in sequence by random draw.  

The room was filling up quickly and eventually sold out, but it was after 7pm and it still had not started yet which was making me anxious.  A staff member asked if anyone was sitting in the stool next to me and I said “No. But I might leave before it starts if I can get a refund to free up an extra seat.” She told me there were no refunds (and there’s a big sign that confirmed it) so I stuck it out and felt kind of shitty for asking. I was feeling pretty anxious as the room filled in and little things were annoying me.  One of the co-hosts kept putting his beer on the ledge over my head, apologized for it and I suggested kind of condescendingly that he use the stool in the corner.  I also got annoyed that his last name was Iceland (then thought oh yeah my last name is also a place that is an island, but at least I know how to use a stool.) I tried to swallow he negative feelings and potpourri of different kinds of anxiety (social, performance mixed with a bit of claustrophobia) and see what happens.

The theme of the night was “foodie” and Abhishek talked about his first experience using chopsticks and it was great.  My name was picked first. I set my video camera up on the ledge after moving Mr. Iceland’s beer and went up.  I used his microphone (so it wouldn’t obscure the camera shot) and was immediately reprimanded/directed to use the other mic in the middle of the stage where the Mass Moth camera was stationed to tape a DVD of our performance if you chose to buy one.  I told my Spike’s story under the allotted time and it was fun, the room was great.  I then packed up my bulky jacket and bag and walked to the back, following Abhishek who asked if I was leaving. I told him my plans and he asked me if I at least wanted to see what I scored, so I did (8.1) and I watched the next guy tell a pretty sweet story about a sentimental falafel stand in Israel (but did not stay for his score) and went to Oberon.

At the box office was Cassandra, the audience participant storyteller from the week before at Bare! Stories.  She worked there and didn’t remember where she knew me from until I told her that I gave her a drink ticket that’s he said counted as buying her a drink.  When I got into the main room (which was very nice, it was my first time inside) I saw Chris Duffy, one of the brains behind Paperweight Magazine, a new iPad comedy periodical (that I will be contributing to in some capacity) and we talked for a while before things started.

I enjoyed the show (but not the ‘Am I next?’ anxiety or the judging people’s stories (this theme was ‘unintended’) with numbers.  I didn’t get picked (nor did Chris) but Cassandra did and she told a different story than the week before, more personal but with some great moments of honesty and humor sprinkled into it.  I had a great conversation at intermission with a couple who were friends with Jenny Z and had seen me before at Grandma’s Basement.  I told the a story about how I got on the Spanish Channel that gave me some hopes of telling that at some future event.

At the end they invite everyone who did not get picked up to say the first line of their story.  I was hesitant because mine doesn’t really have a catch opener. I tried to think of something. I thought about something very Noir-ish (“I should of known she’d be trouble since we met playing ‘cock ring-toss”) but instead opted with a line that is a detail of the story that I never tell because it’s sort of irrelevant, but I thought it would be funny.  I was wrong.  I was also the last one in the line so the mediocrity of it lingered.

"Hi. I’m Matt Kona. I do standup comedy. Nobody had ever had sex with me because of my comedy, and then someone did until I learned later that she hadn’t seen my set."

Ugh. I got the fuck out of there, part of me wondering how long it would take me to make it to the Green Dragon to possibly get on stage and earn back a sense of redemption, the other part of me wanting to eat some dinner.  I elected to walk to Central and go to Falafel Palace. I didn’t have enough cash on me so they have a weird policy where they only accept cards if you bought a $25 gift card.  Fuck it, I thought.  I eat there enough. I ate and went home and fell asleep to reading results of Monday Night Raw, a nice compromise between reading Game of Thrones or watching a wrestling DVD.

"…you know what to expect."

Comedy Studio Diary Day 15
11/18/2012


I’m still playing log catch up! You don’t need to know that! Here we go! I woke up on Sunday morning already thinking of my hosting night.  I was looking forward to it, maybe more than I thought.  I’ve hosted a lot of shows, but I knew that it would be a little different.  I wanted to do a good job in all facets, look professional, be welcoming and funny while interacting with the crowd a bit, structure the lineup in the best way and of course have fun while doing so.  
I knew I was going to dress up a bit, but I didn’t lay out my outfit on the bed.  I did commit to wearing a suit by tweeting a pic of me also in the suit as a teaser to potentially entice people to come out based exclusively on my wardrobe.

I wrote out the lineup early, putting some thought into it, texted Wes Hazard  that I chose him to take the bullet, double checked with a potential special guest if he could make it (he could not) and then tried to not over think things too much after that.  Game of Thrones proved a worthy distraction.  I ate a can of soup (with noodles from a ramen package added) and some crackers at some point.  I eventually got suited up and left the house.  The bottom of my suit ( just the jacket, i opted to go with jeans. OK, I opted to give up on looking for the pants after a while) leaking out under my flight jacket is not a good look, but it wouldn’t be for too long.  I got to The Studio after grabbing an ice coffee from JP Licks and copied the lineup onto paper to post for the comics.  I found out after that James Nixon dropped off, so I sharpies his name out of the fifth spot.  There weren’t too many people there but it was enough and the front wasn’t abandoned.  the table closest to the round door was empty to start the night but a couple of stragglers came in eventually.  I was sitting at a table with Doug Guertin, I got up to tape the lineup order on the wall and as soon as I sat down Doug was sipping from my coffee and had a disgusted look on his face.  he evidently got it confused for his cup of water with no straw in it.  It made me laugh and the memory of the moment still holds up, so I had to include it herein.

Sasha recommended I get XXXX the door guy on the 2nd floor to do the announcements to bring me up to the stage and he did a great job with his smooth deep voice.  It took me a minute or two to find my hosting footing at first, but I got into it, doing more topical monologue-y jokes off the top, shitting on myself a little bit and even throwing a “guess who died” joke in there (if you’ve never seen Rick Jenkins host he has 147 of those and counting) before settling into some regular material.  I didn’t ask before going on stage how long I should do, I know that hosts usually do at least ten, sometimes twenty minutes.  I kept it to 15 and clipped it there before going further into the chunk I ended with and brought Wes up.  

I had a good time hosting, there were some awkward moments, Matt Chaves ended his set with a joke about Nazis and the history channel/ genocide that kind of tanked and then said “speaking of people who are no stranger to killing, back to Matt Kona…”. Rick Jenkins did a guest spot later and my intro to him was getting a little rambling so I tried to cut it short by saying “If you’ve seen him before, you know what to expect.” and then immediately realized how shitty that was.  There was about a half hour left before 10pm and only two comics left so I did my “Bare! Story” and it went over pretty well.  Doug and Ted Pettingell closed it out then a few of us went over to Central square to Mick Greenwood’s house to watch the main event of Survivor Series (and another match that Mick kindly rewound for us after) before Ted drove me home.